New Adult Mystery and Adventure Novelist in Progress
It was warm
I felt whole
you smiled at me
and I knew
I’d be alright.
We’d get through winter
and all its cold nights
and we already got through February
and for some reason
it’s warm today
and we’re sitting outside
drinking pink lemonade
like it’s summer already
and you look at me
and you smile
and I smile, too
and we know
we’re exactly where we should be.
It was the smell of spring that brought me back,
it was the heat radiating off the gravel.
It was the first time I remembered how to smile
after my final breakdown last winter.
It was the feeling of knowing things will work out
despite not knowing how to get there.
It was the relief after the weight in my chest lifted,
I’ll be okay and nothing can stop that.
and on the first day of spring
I felt free.
The sun was shining,
the birds were chirping,
people were cheerful,
I was safe.
Life was back to normal.
Windows opened,
the house smelled of evergreens,
I felt healed.
And I don’t think anyone could make me feel as free as when I’m walking down the suburb streets I know so well, mid-summer, the wind at my back, headphones in playing my favorite song.
I don’t think anyone could make me feel the relief of the sudden chill in the air after months of overheating, finally wearing my favorite jacket, going for a walk and seeing mushrooms after it rained.
I don’t think anyone could make me feel as safe as looking out my window in the morning after the first snowfall of winter, the warmth from my blankets contrasting with the cold of the windowsill.
I don’t think anyone could make me feel as hopeful as the first day in spring when it starts to warm up, after months of bundled up, freezing temperatures and I can sit outside and work on this or that.
And I don’t mind. Because the seasons could never remember my favorite color or the way I like my coffee. The seasons couldn’t hold my hand or give me their jacket when I get cold. I fell in love with the seasons, and they come and go and I fall in love with each change, but they could never make me feel as wanted as a text saying, “this made me think of you.”
Tea in the afternoon,
hard at work on this or that
and the sun shines through the window, cracked.
Tea on the windowsill,
a gentle breeze cools the drink.
It’s not as cold as it’s been lately
and the smell of fresh air
brings a sense of nostalgia
for when I had no troubles,
spending all my time running around outside.
I have this obsession with nostalgia
and I think it’s because I’m so eternally exhausted
and I miss the feeling
of optimism and pure delight
I only truly had as a child.
I’m only 22
but I’ve been through enough
to deserve this cup of tea
and a moment of clarity.
It was the middle of spring,
Birds were singing, flowers in bloom.
I should’ve been happy,
Why wasn’t I happy?
Everything lush with color,
Everyone chipper and chatty.
Why couldn’t that be me?
What was holding me back
From enjoying spring to the fullest?
Could it be I’m just not over my depression?
Or is there something getting me down?
Winter seemed to breeze by,
I was sure I was over being depressed.
But now that the sun is shining,
And the air is warm,
I can’t help but wish I was someone else.
I daydream of running away,
Starting a new life with a new mentality.
It feels like I’m in so deep,
There’s no escape but to restart.
You’d think I’d know by now,
Running away only causes more problems.
Starting over only gets me so far
Because all my problems follow
And soon enough I’ll be in the same position
In a different location,
Daydreaming about running away again.
It’s light out until 7 now.
The temperature’s rising consistently.
I can feel spring coming,
and I couldn’t be happier.
It’s been a long winter,
but one of my more memorable ones.
I was productive this winter,
I was proactive when the sadness started to creep back in.
I didn’t let it win.
Though March is a long month,
I’ve been trying not to let it bother me.
I’m antsy for the warm weather,
for the sun to shine warmly down on me.
As I sit outside in the morning,
drinking coffee as my dog wanders around the yard,
I can’t help but smile at the simple beauty in it.
Spring is finally here,
summer around the corner.
I smell the blooming flowers
as a gentle breeze passes through.
I yearn for the feeling,
March does that to you.
It’s almost done,
we’re in the homestretch.
I love the spring
The hopeful air,
Knowing we made it through another winter.
I love the smell of open windows,
That first warm day.
What a relief it is,
My depression has lessened
And I feel whole.
The bitter darkness inside me
Has turned sky blue.
Clouds scatter the sky,
As though leaving my head
And finding a new home.
Clarity is something I’ve taken for granted.
I’ll never do it again.
I’ve never found something so therapeutic
As sitting outside in the morning,
That first warm day
Drinking coffee and reading a book.
An overwhelming feeling courses through my veins.
it tells me I’m going to be okay
And I foolishly believe it.
Lauren Hayden 