New Adult Mystery and Adventure Novelist in Progress
I will write your name over and over
until it does not hurt anymore
and if that takes a thousand pages
at least it will be over.
and I will forgive you someday
but first I have to forgive myself
and sure, I’ve learned to love myself
but it’s still fresh
it started when I left
And I didn’t think
I could feel so strongly
but then I met you
and I wasn’t bitter
anymore
I would love you despite your feelings
Leave so I can love you harder
Come back to a warm bed
but it’s not mine
like it once was
you’re not mine
like you once were
and that’s fine
I love you still the same
I miss the ocean
and I miss the mountains, too
I never thought after all this time
I’d be missing you like I do.
But I missed the smell of spring
and that came back as always,
and I know someday you’ll miss me, too,
and it puts me in a haze.
It’s 5 am
the rain is pouring
coming down heavy
enveloping my sadness
as I lay here
unable to sleep
and I wonder
I wonder what you’re doing
I know you were always
one to be up at this hour.
And I feel closer to you
than I ever did when we
were together.
Maybe it’s better this way
maybe I’m happier like this:
love,
but from a distance.
You can’t hurt me from here.
And I didn’t think I cared as deeply as I did
but when you left and I was alone
I realized
I would give you
the moon
if given the chance.
And I don’t think I knew what love was
when I said I loved you
and I don’t think I meant it when I said it,
but I said it anyway
and you said it back
and at the time I didn’t know the implications
that we would matter
that we would be closer
that we would care about each other
and I never felt any of that
but I wanted to
I wanted to feel love
I wanted to know what it meant
to have someone you care about
but you can’t force that kind of love,
it comes on its own
and I want to believe it’s worth the wait
I just want to learn
I want to learn about you.
I want to learn what makes you happy
what makes you sad
what makes you unreasonably angry
what makes you laugh uncontrollably
and I want to learn
about your favorite song
and what makes it so special
and I want to learn
what age you were
when you realized
you felt sad most of the time
and what age you were
when you realized
you weren’t sad like you once were
and I want to learn
what makes you so special
because you are so special
Lauren Hayden 