New Adult Mystery and Adventure Novelist in Progress
It was the smell of spring that brought me back,
it was the heat radiating off the gravel.
It was the first time I remembered how to smile
after my final breakdown last winter.
It was the feeling of knowing things will work out
despite not knowing how to get there.
It was the relief after the weight in my chest lifted,
I’ll be okay and nothing can stop that.
It was hard for a while
for a long, long while
then it was easy.
But it wasn’t that easy
to get to Easy.
It took years
long, insufferable years,
exhaustion, but persevering
and then it was easy.
The smile wasn’t
forced
anymore.
And there’s still bad days
there will always be bad days
but they don’t seem so bad
when I know
the good days will be back.
When the days have been
nothing but clouds and storms
and you’ve almost given up,
you wake up one day
and you realize it’s gotten
easier
to smile
when it rains.
I drove until I reached the shore,
to find out I don’t love you like I once did.
A wave of relief took over me
as the ocean enveloped me.
I am home again.
It’s warm now for the first time
in a long time.
I wasn’t sure winter would ever end,
but it did now.
Now it’s warm nights and sunny mornings,
sipping coffee
as the trees bloom all around me.
I’ve never known joy,
at least not like I know it now,
but I know it now.
It’s not that I have no one who cares,
it’s not that no one would comfort me in a moment of despair,
it’s the overwhelming feeling of not being able to reach out
in fear of being too much or an inconvenience.
I don’t want to burden anyone with my depressive episode;
when I’m sad, no one should have to deal with me than me.
They tell me I’m not a burden, that they really do love me,
but when I’m so deep in a pit of self-loathing depression,
it’s hard to believe anyone could ever care enough.
These fits of depression come out of the blue full force sometimes,
it’s not always easy to catch before I’m lying on the floor at 2 am,
headphones in, lights off, self-deprecating thoughts accumulating rapidly.
I want to believe I’ve gotten better at catching myself before it’s too late.
Some days are harder than others,
but I know I’ll pick myself up again.
I’ll survive this no matter how hard it gets,
I won’t let this sadness swallow me whole.
When the sun shines, I’ll let it
and when the rain comes, I’ll bring an umbrella.
Let flowers grow inside you
in places you once thought
could never see life again.
Let the emptiness inside your chest
be the soil that nourishes new life.
Let the earth take over
fill sadness with hopefulness.
Bury your feet in the dirt
and know you’ll be fine.
Just because you feel alone
doesn’t mean you are.
They left you hollow and lost
but just because you’re empty now
doesn’t mean new life can’t grow.
Lauren Hayden 