And I don’t think I knew what love was
when I said I loved you
and I don’t think I meant it when I said it,
but I said it anyway
and you said it back
and at the time I didn’t know the implications
that we would matter
that we would be closer
that we would care about each other
and I never felt any of that
but I wanted to
I wanted to feel love
I wanted to know what it meant
to have someone you care about
but you can’t force that kind of love,
it comes on its own
and I want to believe it’s worth the wait
And someday we’ll find ourselves in different places, in different homes, with different lovers and we’ll decide to reconnect. Maybe we’ll see each other on the street, or someone will mention something that reminds us of each other, and we’ll reach out and we’ll reconnect.
You’ll tell me about how you’re happier now than you ever thought you could be. I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to and you’ll listen. We’ll make jokes and remember what it was like when we were once so close. We’ll wonder why we ever drifted apart, conveniently forgetting what happened between us that day when we thought the world would end. And I remembered it for a while, and I cried for a while, but I got over it, and I got over you.
But it wasn’t like I didn’t think about you, and it wasn’t like I didn’t look for you when I went by your old house. You told me you moved two years ago. I’ll say, “has it really been that long?” and you’ll say, “it’s been six years, man.” And I’ll feel sad. And you’ll feel sad. And we’ll agree to stay in touch, but I’ll tell you I’m only in town this week then I’m going back to the city, and you’ll look at me like you’re proud, and I’ll feel like crying.
And in that moment, I won’t be able to even think about what broke us apart. I remembered us staying friends for a long time. And we were there for each other through everything. And somewhere along the way, we separated.
We’ll be reminiscing about our conversations and I’ll be surprised by how many details I remembered, and then I’ll remember that we stopped talking because of something so stupid and so trivial that I laugh out loud in the coffee shop. And you’ll ask me what I’m laughing for and I’ll tell you. And you’ll look at me, chuckle once, and shake your head.
“Foolish,” you’ll say, and I’ll agree.
and I thought it was funny at the time
the way you tore down everything I built
and I remember I laughed
when I caught you in yet another lie
and I remember thinking
I’d be better with you in my life
then why am I thriving now?
I just want to learn
I want to learn about you.
I want to learn what makes you happy
what makes you sad
what makes you unreasonably angry
what makes you laugh uncontrollably
and I want to learn
about your favorite song
and what makes it so special
and I want to learn
what age you were
when you realized
you felt sad most of the time
and what age you were
when you realized
you weren’t sad like you once were
and I want to learn
what makes you so special
because you are so special
And I remember thinking back on the night you left. And I remember thinking I was glad. But I wasn’t glad, I just didn’t know how to feel so sad. So broken. And the months that followed, I felt sad, and I felt broken, and I made mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes trying to get over what you put me through. And I thought that would be the end of it. And it mostly was, but then I realized I’m a year into this new relationship which started way too soon, and I don’t even like the guy. I don’t know what compelled me to ask him out. Or why I was on Tinder so soon after my last heartbreak. But I was and I didn’t want to be. I tried to end it, and I fell for other people while we dated, and I made more mistakes, but I never felt complete. I didn’t realize at the time and I would come to realize in the year after I left him, but I didn’t need someone else to feel complete. And that’s not something anyone could’ve told me, either. That’s something I had to realize the hard way. After five years of basically back-to-back dating people I barely cared about, and all I really needed was a few close friends. And to care about myself. I didn’t need love. And sure, love is great, and I wouldn’t turn it down were it presented to me now, but there’s more than just romantic love. And I think platonic love is beautiful in its own way. I think friends, true friends, would walk to the ends of the earth for each other. And I think true friends would be there for each other when they needed each other. And maybe it was the guys I was dating, but I never thought they’d do that for me. And my friends, I know they’d do that for me.
And I didn’t know how I wanted it to go until that day. It wasn’t like I was unhappy, but I certainly wasn’t happy. And sure, sometimes I was content. But it wasn’t enough. I fall into this trap of settling so often, you’d think I’m not still young. I get petrified of any negative feeling; I ignore the ones I’m already feeling. And it’s ironic, and I get that, but sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s wrong until it’s over. And this happened a year ago. I’m only thinking about it because I’m the world’s most nostalgic person.
I miss things. And I miss people. It’s the reason I annoy my friends with all the mentions of exes. I get accused of not being over them, but it’s not true. I don’t miss the people; I miss the feelings. And sometimes I miss the people, but it’s not usually for long. I miss ex friends more than I miss ex boyfriends. And even them I know I’m better off without.
And on the day when that two-year, arguably worst relationship of my life ended, I remember I went to the gym. I know we shouldn’t have broken up over the phone, but he lived an hour away and we both knew it was coming anyway. I went to the gym and I listened to a break-up album that had conveniently just come out that day. I became fixated by it. I wound up going to the gym a lot in those coming months. And I was fine. I was happy. I didn’t miss him in the slightest.
But I realized, after two years of constantly being lied to and treated like yesterdays garbage, that I was happy to be single. And I’ve been happy being single for the better part of the last year. I think when that nightmare of a relationship started, what I needed was a friend. And I realize now that all I really want are friends. I don’t feel like I need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy. I’m just happy hanging out with my friends and watching a show and maybe having a drink. And that’s fine.
And now Valentine’s Day is coming up and I never much did celebrate that even when I was in relationships. So, I’m not too worried. I’ll probably end up watching some rom-coms at home and I’m content with that.
You were a near miss
we got so close to touching
but never quite cared enough
and we tell ourselves
we wouldn’t have worked anyway
but for a minute there
I thought we would collide
We could’ve been
and as beautiful
as a meteor shower
but our orbits never crossed
There are days
I’d rather sit in silence
than talk about our problems
than talk about our days
I go silent
I’ve always been
floating in and out of people
in and out of obscurity
It’s like I’m molting
the way I completely change
when I drift in and out of
but I’m not so sure anyone else notices
because they’re busy wondering
where I am
because I disappear
for months at a time
only to come back to say
how’ve you been
it’s been a while
They sat across from each other in a vacant diner at midnight, high out of their minds, and pancakes in front of them. The pancakes, had the couple been sober, were bad. They sucked. No one comes here and orders the pancakes, especially not in the middle of the night. But to them, two stoned 21-year-olds, they were the best pancakes they’d ever had.
The man, tall, about six foot, unshaven, stomach just about reaching the table in front of him from where he sat back on the booth, made a joke about the pancakes and the woman, despite her best efforts, laughed. She didn’t think the joke was funny, in fact it might’ve even been the worst joke she’d ever heard, but she had the social obligation to act like she cared about him.
And he thought she cared. He was so certain that she cared because he lied so flawlessly whenever she came close to catching him. He was so convinced no one would ever catch his lies; he’s been doing it his whole life, at this point change his name to Lyin’ Brian. And she didn’t want to believe he would deceive her like he did. He was so nice, and so caring, how could someone be so heartless?
So, she had her suspicions and he had his bad jokes, and together they had bad decisions. They both thought they were made for each other, how silly that seems to them now. Because when it came down to it, she could only manage a laugh with him when she smoked, and he could only exist in the world when he did. And what kind of life is that?
Today I’m going to catch up on reading the books I’ve been putting off and finish up my homework for the week.
The class I’m taking has been easy; it’s a general humanities class where I am basically just describing art. It’s not too hard, but the reading can be time consuming.
As far as the books go, I’ve been reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I’m about halfway through. I’d never read it before, but I’ve always liked her poetry, so I figured I’d buy it. The other book that I probably won’t get to today is the second book in the Scythe series, Thunderhead, by Neal Shusterman. I read Scythe and it took me a while to finally finish it, but it was good! It had a couple interesting twists in it that kept me entertained. I’m glad there’s three books in this series because I really did like Scythe even though it took me so long to finish.
I don’t read as much as I should. I feel like that’s a problem with a lot of writers. I want to read more this year. In the last few years, I’ve only read about one book a year, whereas growing up I would read up to ten a year. And when I didn’t have any new books, I’d reread old books.
So, no new writing today besides this. It’s a homework and reading kind of day.