I spent three hours last night
searching for a story I read seven years ago
it’s lost to the archives of the internet by now
and I can’t remember the name of it
but I kept searching
despite the truth being right in front of me.
I spent hours searching for something
for the fleeting feeling of nostalgia
or something familiar
And I spent this time searching,
ignoring the weight in my chest
because it’s easier to search
for something physical
than admit I’ve lost you.
We do silly things when we’re hurting
and we deny until we can’t anymore
but I don’t want to stop denying
that you’re gone for good
because I spent all this time
thinking it’d be forever
I’m not ready to admit
I may have been
I didn’t feel anything when he left. I took all the energy I would’ve had and lost myself in all the things I loved before he came into my life, as if I hadn’t changed in the last two years. And it was somewhere around the third week that I realized with each person that leaves, a part of me dies. And someday there will only be flesh and bone that’s left, but even that was never mine.
And I wonder if I’ll ever feel it again.
I would love you despite your feelings
Leave so I can love you harder
Come back to a warm bed
but it’s not mine
like it once was
you’re not mine
like you once were
and that’s fine
I love you still the same
I should’ve known
when you said you
preferred the rain
because after you left
all I did was rain.
I could’ve filled the Atlantic
with all the rain inside me.
You triggered a storm in me,
now all I do is tread water.
My heart’s got thorns
and with every word you say
the thorns tighten and scratch.
Some day these thorns will break me
and I’m not sure what happens after.
I haven’t felt a single thing
and I worry I never will again.
I used to be so lively,
nowadays I’d rather sit at home
than be with loved ones.
It’s like a part of me died when you left.
I knew it would happen;
I knew from the start
and I did nothing to stop it.
What happened to the person I once was?
I have a fondness for things from before,
things like games and music and pop culture
because it’s the only thing
that brings me closer
to who I was
It doesn’t hurt anymore;
I loved you once and I love you still,
but the wind blows different these days.
I worry some days, though,
I’ll never love like I once did,
but I do still love,
it’s just different now.
I love the ocean,
I love big open fields,
I love snowfall when all my plans involve staying in.
But will I ever love another person
as purely as I once loved you?
And do I want to?
It stopped hurting and
I felt something in me change.
I can breathe again.
I do miss it sometimes.
I miss the closeness,
I miss the warm feeling-
I’ve been so cold lately.
I fear, as I always do
that I won’t feel it again.
I’m destined for a life
of freezing, bitter winds.
But I’m tired of killing myself
over people who aren’t
worth a scratch or a scrape.
So, I’ll risk the bitter winds,
because I won’t freeze over
and someday I’ll find
someone worth dying for.
It felt like drowning,
yet no one could pull me out of the water.
It felt like a pressure on my chest,
but I was alone in this room.
Once it felt like a burning in my heart,
the kind that made me smile for days on end.
Then it felt like drowning again,
mixed with fire and all I could see was you.
It felt like years,
before I could smile like I once did,
but then I did again,
and it felt like floating.
I drove until I reached the shore,
to find out I don’t love you like I once did.
A wave of relief took over me
as the ocean enveloped me.
I am home again.