Tag Archives: amwriting

void

There will always be a void

deep inside my chest

there’s one for you

and all the others who’ve left

and I want to believe

that someday these voids will be filled

but it’s true what they say

that everyone leaves

and sometimes they come back

but sometimes when they do

they don’t do it because they missed you

or your jokes or your stories

they missed the attention you gave them.

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I will write your name over and over

until it does not hurt anymore

and if that takes a thousand pages

at least it will be over.

and I will forgive you someday

but first I have to forgive myself

and sure, I’ve learned to love myself

but it’s still fresh

it started when I left

Brand New City

I should move

across the country

just to learn what it means

to be alone

because I can’t take this

constant struggle

between being home

and being happy

and I’m not quite sure

I remember

what it feels like

without this weight

buried deep inside my chest

A love letter to the loveless

I would love you despite your feelings

Leave so I can love you harder

Come back to a warm bed

but it’s not mine

like it once was

you’re not mine

like you once were

and that’s fine

I love you still the same

at home in the mountains

It rained on the day we went up to the mountains. It rained and we stayed in our car for the most part, eating takeout from a nearby restaurant. We planned to eat it by the waterfall, but our sandwiches would’ve been soggy. We sat parked on a cliff-side, overlooking the mountains, the greens and reds and oranges and yellows of the treetops swaying gently with the breeze. We sat silent for a while as we took in the overwhelming feeling, the largeness of it all. We ate our takeout, but we didn’t feel worthy to be there in all the beauty. This moment was bigger than us. And I remember you said quietly and defiantly, “Someday, this will be home.”

missing

I miss the ocean

and I miss the mountains, too

I never thought after all this time

I’d be missing you like I do.

But I missed the smell of spring

and that came back as always,

and I know someday you’ll miss me, too,

and it puts me in a haze.

and I knew I’d be alright

It was warm

I felt whole

you smiled at me

and I knew

I’d be alright.

We’d get through winter

and all its cold nights

and we already got through February

and for some reason

it’s warm today

and we’re sitting outside

drinking pink lemonade

like it’s summer already

and you look at me

and you smile

and I smile, too

and we know

we’re exactly where we should be.

The sunrise on our first morning living together

We told ourselves we wouldn’t care if the world ended. We said we wouldn’t care because we’d be spending our last moments with each other. And it was late, it was so late, but we couldn’t go to sleep yet, we had to be up for the sunrise. We promised ourselves we’d stay up and watch the sunrise together on our first night of living together. And we realized it was a silly idea, but we both took a week off work to get settled in our new apartment- which might’ve also been a silly idea, but we didn’t care.

We stayed up for the sunrise and we fell asleep right before it happened out our back window. We fell asleep on the couch around 5 am and didn’t wake until noon. We laughed about it when we woke up and realized we missed the sunrise. But we didn’t care. Our favorite show was paused on the living room TV while we got up and made breakfast.

You made a joke about missing the sunrise and I said it was a silly idea to begin with. I hadn’t been up that late since college, and you hadn’t since you started your first real job. You made pancakes and I made coffee. It wasn’t anything huge, but I felt closer to you than I ever had that morning. You resumed our favorite show and we spent the day unpacking while it played in the background. We were finally where we were meant to be.

5 am

It’s 5 am

the rain is pouring

coming down heavy

enveloping my sadness

as I lay here

unable to sleep

and I wonder

I wonder what you’re doing

I know you were always

one to be up at this hour.

And I feel closer to you

than I ever did when we

were together.

Maybe it’s better this way

maybe I’m happier like this:

love,

but from a distance.

You can’t hurt me from here.