There’s a calmness in the winter
the stillness and the silence
bundling up under several layers
just to go watch the dog run around outside
and come back inside to a piping hot cup of hot chocolate
hands like icicles, wrapped around the mug, warming.
December can feel like a separate world from reality,
everyone bustling to get ready for the holidays
while maneuvering around the first real snowstorm of the season
and I sit here drinking my hot chocolate
and the world stops for a minute
and I know,
if only for a moment,
will be okay.
I spent three hours last night
searching for a story I read seven years ago
it’s lost to the archives of the internet by now
and I can’t remember the name of it
but I kept searching
despite the truth being right in front of me.
I spent hours searching for something
for the fleeting feeling of nostalgia
or something familiar
And I spent this time searching,
ignoring the weight in my chest
because it’s easier to search
for something physical
than admit I’ve lost you.
We do silly things when we’re hurting
and we deny until we can’t anymore
but I don’t want to stop denying
that you’re gone for good
because I spent all this time
thinking it’d be forever
I’m not ready to admit
I may have been
When I was debating you
and debating moving states
and cutting my hair
but I stayed stagnant
for the hollow feeling
of thinking I was wanted
I should’ve left
I should’ve been spontaneous
and I should’ve taken it as a hint
all the songs I cherished
about running away
maybe I should’ve, too.
It’s not new that I should’ve left sooner
but if I listened to the hurt inside me
just for a moment
I could’ve avoided the whole thing.
I could be better.
I get so stuck on the what-ifs
and the ways I could’ve been better
I forget that I did my best with what was handed to me
if I’d done everything perfectly
if I hadn’t stayed
if I hadn’t debated college
if I knew the outcome
and the way to get there without getting hurt at all
I wouldn’t be better off
I’d be bored
I know what love is
because I feel it
when the sun shines
and when the breeze
blew you into my life
and I know I love you
because I want to try
I was so lost
I got out of bed out of spite,
now I do it so I can see your smile
and on days you’re not around
I do it because I want to.
Love is more than us
but it’s so strong with us
that I feel it even after you’ve gone
and I’ve always loved
I’ve loved the fall
and I’ve loved singing in the car
but they don’t complete me
like you do.
Am I where I should be?
Is this what I want?
Does anyone know what they want?
Or are they just blindly chasing a feeling?
People put on a reassuring smile
and say they’re happy,
they’re doing what they want
and “don’t worry, you will be, too.”
Sure, maybe they’re right
and I know I’m still young
but that doesn’t make this
uncertain feeling in my chest
Days all blend together
and I wonder if they’ll ever stop doing that.
I want to grow
I want to bloom
I want to look back on this time
and think of how much I’ve changed
for the better
and be proud of myself
I’ve always been growing
I’ll always be changing
I’ll always be looking back on the past
with a hint of nostalgia
and a wave of pride
because I’m always growing
and I’m always changing
and I used to think I would stop changing
when I reach a certain age
but I don’t think that’s how it goes.
You learn new things
you find new hobbies
you find new things to talk about
with strangers and with close friends.
I think it’s beautiful
how the world is always changing around us
and we’re changing, too.
if ever there comes a day
where I stop growing, stop changing
I hope it is my last
because if I can’t change with the world
then I can’t change the world.
.. Lauren Hayden ..
I’ve been at my worst
I’ve been at my best
I’ve stood face to face with anger
and I’ve given in and I’ve given up
but I’m done stewing.
Now when I come face to face
with anger or despair
I’ll ask if it needs a cup of tea
or maybe more sleep tonight.
I want to believe
that these bad thoughts aren’t real
but they are,
they’re just poorly communicated needs
I just have to ask them what they are.
it’s nothing against you
I’m just bad at remembering to talk.
It’s something that’s been a constant since I was a child
and I’m not sure it’ll ever go away.
I get in these moods
they’re not necessarily depressions
though maybe they once were;
they’re like riding the subway late at night
when you’re the only one on the train
and you don’t feel lonely,
you’re just there
and you’re sort of tired,
but you still have enough energy to make yourself dinner when you get home-
at least something filling, if not a full meal.
It’s not a cry for help
and I’m certainly not lonely
but I want you to know I’m still here
I’m just less
Black coffee is not Bad
but it feels like a punishment.
I will continue to put milk in my coffee
on days that I feel I deserve it.
When I need to be Bitter
I will have it black.
Today I deserve
i want love
i want the world
i want someone to tell me they saw something that made them think of me
i want someone to care about me
as much as i care about them