A letter to my past self.

There’s so many mistakes you’re going to make,

so many things you wish you said

and so many things you could’ve done better,

but you’ll get through it just fine.

To me from a year ago:

Good things are close,

do whatever you can to keep yourself busy,

and you don’t need an excuse to do what you want.

If you want to spend all day watching YouTube,

who’s stopping you?

Don’t move in with your boyfriend three weeks after he betrayed your trust.

Just because he’s going through a tough time doesn’t mean he should be your responsibility.

To me from two years ago:

You don’t need a boyfriend, 

you need a friend.

Reach out to people you’ve lost contact with.

Don’t date that boy just because he’s nice to you.

You’ll hate your summer job,

but it’s good money for the time.

And for fucks sake, don’t listen to that boy you’re going to date-

you don’t need to buy weed, he does.

To me from three years ago:

Let it go.

That annoying person shouldn’t ruin your day.

Yeah, he sucks but he’ll make for a good story.

I’m proud of you for getting through your first big break up.

It was months ago, 

but I know you’re still dealing with it.

You’ll be over him soon.

He still texts you every couple months, though.

To the future me:

I hope things are still going good.

I’ve been trying to set you up for success.

I’ve fallen into a routine of positive coping skills,

and I hope you stick to them.

The homestretch month.

It’s light out until 7 now.

The temperature’s rising consistently.

I can feel spring coming,

and I couldn’t be happier. 

It’s been a long winter,

but one of my more memorable ones.

I was productive this winter,

I was proactive when the sadness started to creep back in.

I didn’t let it win.

Though March is a long month,

I’ve been trying not to let it bother me.

I’m antsy for the warm weather,

for the sun to shine warmly down on me.

As I sit outside in the morning,

drinking coffee as my dog wanders around the yard,

I can’t help but smile at the simple beauty in it.

Spring is finally here, 

summer around the corner.

I smell the blooming flowers

as a gentle breeze passes through.

I yearn for the feeling,

March does that to you.

It’s almost done,

we’re in the homestretch.

Self Care

Self care is laughing at yourself

instead of beating yourself up.

Self care is going to sleep at 8pm because you’re tired.

Self care is eating when you’re hungry.

Self care is not buying yourself things you don’t need,

in hopes that it’ll cure your broken mind.

It’s letting yourself be upset,

and doing something that makes you happy.

It’s asking for help when you need it,

and letting yourself have a good cry to that one sad song.

It’s reaching out to an old friend,

even though you two haven’t talked much recently.

It’s being honest with yourself and those around you.

Self care is important,

because you’re the only one who will always be there for you.

Snowy February Night

The cold, crisp February air turns my face red,

something you’ve always been good at, too.

We’re standing outside as the snow falls around us.

It’s not the first snowfall of the year,

but it’s the first in a while.

A flake falls onto your nose and we laugh.

I’m filled with a joy only you can bring me.

We’re bundled up in coats, hats, gloves, and scarves,

you bury your face in your scarf, a twinkle in your eyes.

It’s 9 pm in an empty parking lot,

the moon, full and bright, illuminates the vacant lot.

I see just your silhouette, 

but it’s enough for me.

A car drives by, the low hum of their engine breaks the silence,

their headlights brighten up your face for a moment.

I’d never seen someone so beautiful.

As we stood out in the cold,

waiting for our friend to pick us up,

I tell you I’m freezing and you take your hand out for me to hold.

I smile, and you take your glove off. I do the same.

Your hand is hot on mine, and a warmth fills me deep inside.

I never believed in love before I met you.

I never believed in anything before you.

Our friend drives up to us and we climb into the backseat.

He apologizes for taking so long, he had to get gas.

I don’t mind.

springtime.

I love the spring

The hopeful air,

Knowing we made it through another winter.

I love the smell of open windows,

That first warm day.

What a relief it is,

My depression has lessened

And I feel whole.

The bitter darkness inside me

Has turned sky blue.

Clouds scatter the sky,

As though leaving my head

And finding a new home.

Clarity is something I’ve taken for granted.

I’ll never do it again.

I’ve never found something so therapeutic

As sitting outside in the morning,

That first warm day

Drinking coffee and reading a book.

An overwhelming feeling courses through my veins.

it tells me I’m going to be okay

And I foolishly believe it.

I Will Recover (Poem)

I’m done fucking lying to myself,

Keeping things in just because it hurts.

When I’m in pain, 

I’ll talk about it.

I’ll work through it.

I’ll get over it.

And I’ll be stronger for it.

I’m sick of being a bystander in my own life,

Watching as things just happen.

As I make a friend,

Lose a friend,

Drop out of school,

Start again just for the hell of it.

From now on I do things because I fucking want to

not because it’s what everyone else is doing,

But because it’s my god damn life

And I can make my own decisions.

If I don’t want to go back to school,

If I want to work part time while writing on the side

I fucking will.

If I want to go get a coffee,

And that new book I heard about,

I will.

Even though the mall is a half hour away,

And there might be traffic

Or a lot of people.

No more excuses for easy things. 

I’ll call for that doctors appointment,

I’ll go get my oil changed on my own.

Hell, I’ll go for a drive just to clear my head

Just because I wanted to listen to that one song as loud as I can handle.

And scream the lyrics along with the band.

And I’ll be a stronger person for it.

I’ve been through hell already,

Who’s to say I can’t get through more?

I Want To Care About Myself (POEM)

I want to matter.

Not to you,

To myself.

I care what you think, 

But I don’t want to.

I wish I cared less

What you think of me

And more what I think of me.

Because I’m the one who will be here

when life gets hard again

No one else is guaranteed. 

So why do I care so much?

You shouldn’t matter to me.

It makes sense for me to care about me,

But why won’t I?

What is so fucked up in my head

That I focus so much of my energy on what other’s see?

I can’t even tell anyway.

I don’t know what you think of me,

And I’m done trying to decipher it. 

I want to love myself.

I want to eat healthy because it fuels me,

I want to go on daily walks in the morning,

To the pond and watch the sunrise

Because it’s what my body desires.

I want to stop sitting around,

Playing games for hours on end,

To distract myself from my aching loneliness,

when I could go for a run and feel better faster.

I want to matter.

I want to care about myself.

Depression VS The Fighter in Me

I’ve never been good at love,

I’ve never been good at anything.

I’ve never wanted to be better,

Until I met you.

I had no reason to stop my self-destructive behavior.

You made me realize I’m worth more.

You made me want to love myself.

You make me want to be better.

Everyone left and I didn’t understand why,

I was suicidal and I didn’t understand why,

I was anxious and I didn’t understand why.

I knew it would get better,

But I didn’t understand why I needed the pain to begin with.

I was so naive 

to think the pain didn’t make the pleasure better.

I was so naive

To think I couldn’t beat depression.

I was so naive

To think I couldn’t find coping skills.

Part of me knew I’d get better,

The fighter in me.

Part of me thought I’d never get better,

The depression in me.

The fighter is stronger,

But the fight isn’t over.

It probably won’t ever be,

But now I’m stronger,

I have better weapons.

I can get through anything you put me through.