I Want To Care About Myself (POEM)

I want to matter.

Not to you,

To myself.

I care what you think, 

But I don’t want to.

I wish I cared less

What you think of me

And more what I think of me.

Because I’m the one who will be here

when life gets hard again

No one else is guaranteed. 

So why do I care so much?

You shouldn’t matter to me.

It makes sense for me to care about me,

But why won’t I?

What is so fucked up in my head

That I focus so much of my energy on what other’s see?

I can’t even tell anyway.

I don’t know what you think of me,

And I’m done trying to decipher it. 

I want to love myself.

I want to eat healthy because it fuels me,

I want to go on daily walks in the morning,

To the pond and watch the sunrise

Because it’s what my body desires.

I want to stop sitting around,

Playing games for hours on end,

To distract myself from my aching loneliness,

when I could go for a run and feel better faster.

I want to matter.

I want to care about myself.

Depression VS The Fighter in Me

I’ve never been good at love,

I’ve never been good at anything.

I’ve never wanted to be better,

Until I met you.

I had no reason to stop my self-destructive behavior.

You made me realize I’m worth more.

You made me want to love myself.

You make me want to be better.

Everyone left and I didn’t understand why,

I was suicidal and I didn’t understand why,

I was anxious and I didn’t understand why.

I knew it would get better,

But I didn’t understand why I needed the pain to begin with.

I was so naive 

to think the pain didn’t make the pleasure better.

I was so naive

To think I couldn’t beat depression.

I was so naive

To think I couldn’t find coping skills.

Part of me knew I’d get better,

The fighter in me.

Part of me thought I’d never get better,

The depression in me.

The fighter is stronger,

But the fight isn’t over.

It probably won’t ever be,

But now I’m stronger,

I have better weapons.

I can get through anything you put me through.